Embracing Pleasure and Acceptance: Navigating Dating with Herpes
People are so worried about the odds of herpes transmission that they’re unable to tune into happiness and sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
I’ve been there. I understand the fear of rejection and lasting impact that stigma can hold. So many folks with herpes re-enter the dating world with a simple goal of acceptance, often through the lens of potential partners.
Instead of asking questions like, “Do I feel safe with this partner?” and “Do I feel respected and heard by this person?” and “Am I having fun!” People with herpes ask questions like, “Will they still want to have sex with me?” and “How do I reduce the odds of transmission?”
It’s unsurprising that pleasure and safety are decentralized from conversations about herpes. As a society, people are not taught that those with herpes and STIs deserve pleasure, they’re told they’re unworthy.
Dating can be a convenient self-soothing device or remedy for moments of low self-esteem, especially now that it is so accessible through apps.
It holds potential to be especially validating for folks with herpes when they find someone who DOES accept them upon disclosure, whereas society seemingly dooms their dating and sex lives due to stigma. One might think, “Against all odds...” It’s a cliche that holds potential for fantasy and romance. This combination of acceptance and low self-worth may also create a cycle of abuse.
It’s not just people with herpes who seek validation and acceptance from partners, whether aware or subconsciously. It’s a people thing, a connection thing. There are moments we all desire connection, support, in fact, we require it.
Like many experiences associated with herpes, the larger theme of acceptance is applicable to everyone. We all desire acceptance. To be seen, heard, acknowledged. Those are basic, essential human needs. We deserve them—pleasure included.