Navigating Intimacy During Herpes Outbreaks: A Guide to Sex and Communication
When people receive a herpes diagnosis, many (if not most) fear the end of their sex lives. Much of this is due to the intersection of miseducation and stigma.
People with herpes later learn that partnered sex is still possible, but to avoid engaging in sexual activity with partners during active, symptomatic herpes outbreaks to reduce the odds of transmission. And it’s easy and logical to understand why that’s the recommendation.
I support this recommendation, but I also want to add to the narrative that one can still engage in sex if one partner is having an active herpes outbreak.. but it might look a little different than your “usual” sexual script.
Avoidance during outbreaks is a great tactic that can be used alongside barriers in reducing the odds of transmission between discordant partners. But what if you still do want to be sexual with your partner(s) during this time?
It’s possible, but likely requires further communication and boundary setting.
Some people with herpes may not want to engage in certain sexual activities due to discomfort of lesions (ex. penetration). If they still wish to engage in giving and/or receiving other types of touch or intimacy, they should communicate this with their partner(s).
Some people with herpes may not be as impacted by their outbreak, and are open to “sex as usual”. Similarly, some partners may be just as open.
If you’re considering sex with a partner with an active herpes outbreak, make sure you:
1) are aware of and accept the odds of transmission during this period (ie whats your role in stigma? How would you react if you also test positive one day? This isn’t a question of judgement, but awareness and education);
2) prioritize your partner’s comfort (outbreaks may be increasingly uncomfortable with certain activities);
3) continue to check-in with each other.
If you decide that avoidance is better for you and your partners—that’s fine, too. It is not good or bad— it’s ultimately developing self-awareness around your needs and boundaries and being able to communicate both with your partner(s) so that you can modify accordingly.