Recognizing Obsessive Stigma: Signs Your Partner May Struggle with Herpes Stigma
Talking about safer sex with partners with herpes is important, but it’s just as important to acknowledge the obsessive nature of stigma and how that can show up with partners.
A note that this post might be triggering for those who have ever felt “othered” by a partner. By that I mean, seeing someone as their infection (in this case, herpes) rather than as a partner or human. I also speak briefly to how this can develop into abuse.
So what are some common signs that a sex partner may be struggling with internalized herpes stigma?!
1. They seem obsessed with your outbreak history
They demand a daily, weekly, or monthly report (yes, I consider this a form of abuse). They won’t engage physically with you unless you share your updates. This is not just a form of abuse, it’s also a sign that this person does not trust you to tell them if/when a symptomatic outbreak happens.
2. Every physical interaction feels like an inspection
There’s a distinct difference in visiting the doctor’s office for an annual exam versus experiencing physical intimacy with our partners. If your partner spends an excess amount of time inspecting rather than pleasuring, it’s time to speak up.
3. Conversations seemed consumed by herpes
Is herpes all you talk about these days? Can you hold a conversation without talking about outbreaks, barriers, and boundaries in bed? Yes, these are all important, essential conversations—but sex with someone with herpes shouldn’t be founded on the basis of one’s infection, or fear of contracting it.
I think this performance of stigma as obsession is often secretive. How does one tell the person you find so desirable that you’re (in some sense) afraid of engaging physically because of herpes? It’s not an easy conversation to have (and it’s saturated with stigma) but these attitudes and intentions will make themselves known through behaviors I’ve listed here. This obsession may also be masked as healthy discussions or behaviors, and sometimes that line can become very thin.