Acceptance Beyond Rejection: Navigating Self-Acceptance with Herpes
This week, I’ve spent time focusing on nondisclosure, disclosing and acceptance, and transmission.
It’s true—sometimes, seeking a potential partner’s acceptance of your herpes status is really a reflection of the longing for acceptance you seek within yourself.
Like many experiences associated with herpes, the larger theme of acceptance is applicable to everyone. We all desire acceptance. To be seen, heard, acknowledged. Those are basic, essential human needs. We deserve them.
What we discuss less of in the herpes community is self-acceptance. It’s often what I label as, “through a partnered lens?” People ask questions like: Who will want to have sex with me now? With this? Who will love me? How do I disclose? How can we reduce transmission?
Rejection tends to feel personal regardless of the reason. People often cite “rejection as redirection,” but what I really think happens is reflection.
Rejection often confronts us with our insecurities. Was it the outfit I wore? Did I talk too much? Were they just looking for sex? Do they think I am [insert adjective here]?
Maybe it’s none of the items on your list, but what about that list speaks to YOU? Did you like the outfit you wore? If you talked too much, what did it matter? Did you feel like you dominated the conversation—do you want someone who will speak up more or interrupt? Was there a natural flow? If they were just looking for sex what does that mean to you and how does it make you feel? If it was your herpes status, what was your reaction when they told you? What does that reveal about your relationship with your diagnosis?
Yes, sex education needs to be better at discussing relationships where one partner has herpes. Yes, sex education needs to provide students with mutual disclosure prompts for STI status and screening and navigating potential rejections. But we also need to take a step out of the partnered lens and investigate the feelings we hold about ourselves as it relates to herpes and it’s stigma.