Navigating Sexual Relationships When One Partner Has Herpes: Key Tips
The question of all questions: “My partner has herpes and I don’t. How does this work sexually?”
1. Be Curious.
What you think you know about people with herpes probably isn’t the reality. When feelings of judgement arise (because they probably will with stigma), try to reframe it as curiosity.
2. Get Educated.
How can you fear something you don’t know much about? Ask your partner for their recommended resources about herpes.
3. Seek Self-Reflection.
If you’re going to engage sexually with ANYONE, it’s time to get real about your beliefs around STIs. Continue allowing yourself to go inward and evaluate your belief systems with what you’ve learned.
4. Talk to Your Partner.
Yeah, statistics are helpful, but don’t discount your partner’s experience. Share your discomfort with them, but don’t expect them to serve as the sole source of alleviation. Create communication around outbreaks. “What is your experience of herpes?” Is a great starting point. Ask them to share their story.
5. Establish Boundaries.
So you’ve learned a little and have talked to your partner about their experience of herpes, awesome! What do you do with that? Decide what BOTH of you are comfortable with. How will your partner communicate outbreaks (if they experience them)? Would you feel more comfortable if they take antivirals—does that work with THEIR body? Are you using barrier methods? Engaging in some types of sex but not others? These are all discussions to consider.
The most real response I’ve ever received when discussing boundaries was a partner stating, “You know more about this than me. Just tell me what I need to know.” You are the expert of your experience, don’t discount how powerful that truly is.