Dispelling Myths About Herpes in Monogamous Relationships
One of the biggest myths I see related to herpes in monogamous relationships is the assumption that if one partner has herpes, the other partner must have it, too.
Just because someone's partner has herpes, does not automatically mean that they have herpes. As you might suspect, this belief holds its roots in stigma (i.e. the belief that people with herpes and/or other stigmatized infections can only partner with folks who have the same infections).
While it's true that the odds of herpes transmission are increased the more these couples engage sexually (aka increased frequency of sexual encounters), the risks are also mitigated due to use of antivirals, barriers, and avoidance/awareness during symptomatic outbreaks.
Yes, you can do everything "right" and still get herpes. Yes, asymptomatic shedding is still a possibility. Yes, partners may still acquire herpes during asymptomatic outbreaks; however, a 2006 study by Wald and her team (notable for her herpes research) analyzed the sexual behavior of 199 study participants with herpes and found that "the risk of HSV-2 transmission was approximately halved when the source partner knew that he or she had genital herpes and informed the participant (p. 49)."
Herpes is always a possibility, but it is not an absolute.