4 Phrases Said to Ease Pain that Can be More Harmful Than Helpful
When relationships end or don’t turn out how we hoped, we often lean into certain phrases to console those who are hurting—you know the ones I’m talking about...
Phrases like...
1. “Everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes there isn’t a reason.. for the break up, the diagnosis, someone cheating on a partner, etc. Or if there is a reason, we may never have access to it. Or at least the lens of access that we’re hoping for.
2. “Rejection is just redirection.” I see this phrase often used in response to those receiving a rejection based on an STI status. Sure, rejection CAN be redirection, but it doesn’t negate the pain associated with it, especially if someone has experienced the same rejection (for example, numerous rejections due to a herpes disclosure).
3. “You’re better off without them.”Yeah, maybe. Whether it’s the “toxic” friendship or partner, or maybe even a caregiver, whisking away the pain and history of the relationship doesn’t make it go away—even if you are better off without them. It’s important to build up the self-esteem and self-worth in those we love and care for, especially as they’re struggling, but this phrase can unintentionally invalidate the history and meaning of the relationship
4. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Classic! Most receive this as, “It’s definitely me.” There are two or more people in the relationship or friendship. It’s easy and tempting to blame the other party(ies), especially if we feel angry, betrayed, or are deeply hurting. But often times, “It’s both of us” is a more accurate translation. You don’t fit together, aren’t compatible in some areas, aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, etc.
I think most mean well when we share these sentiments with loved ones, and sometimes they even feel good to receive. But... I also think that there is room to acknowledge that these phrases often mask or undervalue the pain that could be beneficial to sit with.