Understanding Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism: Insights from Attachment Theory
Earlier this week, I made a post on the different layers of self we carry and how those selves show up in the world.
I love attachment theory and believe it is relevant to this conversation. If you’re familiar with attachment theory, you’ve likely encountered the four types of attachments: anxious, secure, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant.
While I won’t get into the specificities of each attachment style, I will say that our attachments to our primary caretaker(s), or lack thereof, shape us. Similarly, our attachment style informs and further shapes subsequent life experiences.
Avoidance is a coping mechanism for many. To a degree, I think avoidance is something that we’ve all employed at one point or another. Procrastination is a great example. Prolonging a relationship to avoid a breakup and the emotions that follow. Waiting until the last minute to start a paper.
Avoidance is typically considered a maladaptive coping strategy. Avoiding a problem or emotion doesn’t necessarily eliminate it. It eliminates the confrontation. It eliminates the healing.
For some, especially those with histories of trauma, avoidance is a safety mechanism. Avoidance is protection. Avoidance is control. Avoidance is a safe space. Avoidance isn’t always about avoiding ~you~.
I share this as a reminder that in addition to the selves we carry, the known and the unknown, avoidance is often an unconscious coping mechanism. One with its own history and nuance in each person.
Facing ourselves and our histories is one of our most difficult life challenges—working through them? Even more challenging. We might not be ready today, or tomorrow, or even this year or next.
If you identify as avoidant, struggle with avoidant coping strategies, or are navigating a relationship (friendship, romantic, sexual, etc.) with an avoidant, I hope that this post brings light to the fact that avoidance isn’t always synonymous with bad. I often think of it in terms of unhealed and/or healing or making space for transformation.