The Subjectivity of "Good" and "Bad" Sex: Understanding Our Individual Experiences
We all have an idea of what “good” and “bad” sex entails. Certainly there can be general agreement and overlap about what this looks like; But when it really comes down to labeling outcomes, our experiences and definitions around “good” and “bad” sex are highly individualized.
I’m not just talking about what turns us on, either. Who we are as a whole and how we show up as sexual beings (and all areas of our life) is shaped by so many overlapping factors and identities.
Your upbringing. Your culture. Race. Gender. Sex. Self-definition. Media. Friendships. Communities. Religious institutions. Hobbies. Your family and the roles you played within it. Significant life events. The list goes on.
Did you grow up in a religious environment or attend a religious school? How did those beliefs systems shape your sexual self? What messages did you receive about sex growing up and from who? Did you even have an actual sex education, or was it labeled as “health class” or “life skills” in an attempt to preserve abstinence through the lens of fear?
Even the World Health Organization (WHO) @who defines certain “negative consequences or conditions” which I don’t necessarily believe is an accurate descriptor—especially for an organization that believes in access to comprehensive sex education.
When an institution with such prestige and reach defines infections and unplanned pregnancies as “consequences,” it’s a reinforcement of stigma from the health and medical communities. It’s often a reinforcement of the very miseducation many of us received from educators growing up (myself included 🙋🏻♀️). It makes the work of educators like myself in today’s world that much more difficult.
Good and bad are subjective to who you are, what shaped you, and what continues to shape you. Communicating with your partners can be daunting at first, but critical analysis and self-confrontation around our belief systems can be the real challenge, and what might lead to the most freedom in pleasure with ourselves and our partners.