Is It Really Safer to Sleep with Someone Who Has Herpes? Examining Common Misconceptions
I always hear, mostly folks with herpes, say that “it’s safer to sleep with someone who has herpes than someone who doesn’t. This phrase is typically framed in discussions with potential sexual partners.
I don’t necessarily like the language of “safer to sleep with” because there’s a chance with everyone, whether you know your herpes status or not. I also feel it puts people into ranking those with STIs against those who do not (or are unaware of their status).
So why is it just as likely to contract herpes from basically everyone?:
1) Herpes isn’t included in standard screening panels. If you’ve been “tested for everything,” it most likely doesn’t include herpes. Even those who include STI screenings as part of their self-care probably haven’t been tested for herpes.
2) Many people with herpes don’t experience presenting symptoms, or their symptoms go unnoticed. So they neither seek testing, nor suspect that they might have herpes.
3) The amount of people who don’t know that cold sores are herpes never ceases to amaze me. It might be the most common question I’m asked at this point. With that said, someone with oral herpes could easily perform oral sex on a partner and claim that they they don’t have herpes, unaware that they may in fact give their partners herpes.
4) People fear disclosure. Disclosure is often scary, and necessary, but reactions and rejections to a positive status along with stigma make it easier—but unethical—to remain silent. How much trust are you placing in your partners?
5) Pretty much everyone has it. You’ve probably already slept with someone or made out with someone with herpes—they either didn’t know or didn’t tell you.
So before you go off telling a potential partner that you’re not interested in engaging sexually because of their positive herpes status, kindly get over yourself and take your ignorance and sexual health history into consideration.