Navigating Emotions Post-Herpes Diagnosis: Blame, Shame, and Anger
Blame, shame, and anger. The post diagnosis emotional trifecta.
It’s easy to blame the partner who gave us herpes, or the partner who we suspect gave us herpes. It’s easy to say it’s their fault. It’s easy to shame them. It’s common to be angry. “How could you do this to me? To us?”
These responses and reactions can also be incredibly stigmatizing.
As many of us know, receiving a positive diagnosis brings light to our internalized stigmas, it also causes us to stigmatize ourselves in some sense. And in that same vein, the partners who we believe gave us herpes.
These aren’t the only emotions we feel post diagnosis (have you seen a feelings wheel, phew!), but they are common when listening to and reading stories of those working through their positive results.
I encourage you to feel your feelings, but I also ask that you reflect on them in light of what we do know about the uncertainties with the lack of sex education, herpes awareness, and STI screening mandates. So before unleashing these reactions toward a partner, here are a few things to consider:
• They genuinely may not have known that they have herpes. Symptoms often go unrecognized and/or many folks remain asymptomatic.
• Even if they believe they’ve been tested for everything, they may not realize that herpes isn’t included in standard screening panels.
• They may not realize that cold sores are herpes, too, and can be transmitted via oral sex.
• You utilized barrier methods, had the safer sex conversation, but still didn’t have the education or awareness to know that herpes is spread through skin-to-skin contact. So while a condom is effective, it’s not a 100% guarantee.
I know that there are folks out there who receive a positive diagnosis after a partner has chosen not to disclose. The doctors that encourage and advocate for such non-disclosure further complicate matters. For me, this type of non-disclosure is akin to betrayal and non-consent.
This post isn’t telling you not to feel your feelings, it’s simply offering an opportunity for awareness around how we respond/react to our partners in ways that further contribute to herpes and STI stigma.